This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.