This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]