@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

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@cool_as_heck

Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again

@Breadery

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

@HeyZeus666

Roses are red

Violets don’t matter.

When a woman says ‘I love you’

Men scatter.

@alicegoldfuss

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

@RandomRamblr

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

@Young_Litigator

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

@ddrwg

[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
Aww man.

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow