This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You Might Also Like
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
He wanted to make sure😂
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”