I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?
INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*