{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?

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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!


friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR


Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.


“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”


I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.


If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.


GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die


Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”