@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

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@caleb_driedger

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

@KnownComment

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@mean_crow

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@ShrinkMedia

If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.

@Home_Halfway

GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”