Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Seas the day!!!!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?