Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Think I pulled my liver
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.