those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake

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[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea


[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him


I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…


Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…


Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”


Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.


“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”


JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*


I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.


1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’