@evilmallelis

those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake

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@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@pleatedjeans

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

@Hammyinmiami

I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…

@pittdave13

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@TommyKarate

Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

@BuckyIsotope

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’