those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY