@OwlFWGKTA

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

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@HomeProbably

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

@daddydoubts

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

@Marcmywords2

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

@SamuelHLowe

– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

@RxitWounds

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

@PLATINUM2000

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

@SweetTweetsBRO

I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

@sarcasm_inc

I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.