Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!