Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
You Might Also Like
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8