14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun