Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
No, YOUR illiterate.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!