@Kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

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@_Bluntsage

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

@MichaelTrying

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

@Ghetto_Trophy

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

@tracietom

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

@jackiembouvier

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

@DanMentos

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

@causticbob

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

@ValeeGrrl

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K