Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
knights of the ikea table
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream