@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

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@HapInTheCap

Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.

@jillyhendrix

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@Ristolable

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

@hazelmotes1

Golf, except there’s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.

@Jam453Lane

They always say to follow your gut, that’s why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.

@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@Young_Litigator

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

@ddsmidt

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook