Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

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Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.


Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.


Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.


Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.


Golf, except there’s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.


They always say to follow your gut, that’s why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.


Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America


I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”


Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper


A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook