Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
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How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
This bar smells like my childhood.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*