Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Not even remotely sorry.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know