When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.
I know that now.
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*