I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Born to be mild.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
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Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here