Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.

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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.


Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?


If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.


Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?


Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”


Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.


*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No


My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice


I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.


*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*