@JPLFR80

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

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@envydatropic

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

@RichNeville

A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

@sixfootcandy

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

@lildandeli0n

[National librarian day]

Me: Let’s make some noise for…

Librarian: NO

@SteveKoehler22

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

@AndyAsAdjective

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

@ShoutingGoddess

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.

@theshantilly

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?