I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
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A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[National librarian day]
Me: Let’s make some noise for…
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.
Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:
I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?