Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.