Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
consequences, the bane of my existence
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.