@mack44_d

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

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@mommajessiec

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

@envydatropic

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

@philyuck

Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
What?
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

@jergarl

Me: OMG I’m so tired.

Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.

Me: I’m on it.

A: And Cheetos.

M: K.

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@MomOnFire

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

@FredTaming

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*