Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

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Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?


I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me


A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.


Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”


the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener


Me: OMG I’m so tired.

Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.

Me: I’m on it.

A: And Cheetos.

M: K.


I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.


I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.


i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order


*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*