Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough