Thou shalt not commit adulthood

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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken


There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above


When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.


I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.


[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.


I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full


I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is