Thou shalt not commit adulthood

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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.


I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.


Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.


GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*


“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.


[holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]

*search* Panda…playing…ukulele


My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.


[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures


Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.