@Ctchandler247

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

You Might Also Like

@jodecicry

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

@IamEnidColeslaw

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

@KentWGraham

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

@mom_ontherocks

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

@bngzyface

[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.

@omgshuddup

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

@roastmalone_

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is