Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?