“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
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I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
can’t talk my ride’s here
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.