Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
You Might Also Like
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news