Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Who says great literature is dead?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
New favorite tiktok
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that