@heyevergreen

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

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@LaureRapper

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

@drinksmcgee

Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.

@ortski83

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

@TheTweetOfGod

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

@daemonic3

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

@Lamalover2

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

@stevevsninjas

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

@mejustbeth

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

@TheHyyyype

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

@Aspersioncast

My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.