Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Yes, this is exactly right
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Easy enough.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.