Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

You Might Also Like


Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”


Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.


Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL


The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.


What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?


Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?


[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby


Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.


[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket


My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.