Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.