Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages