centipede: *gets down on one knee*
centipede: *puts down second knee*
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 15 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a squirrel.
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Why do people say,”You can’t make this stuff up.” Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”
To which I replied: “a camera.”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”