@WakeVII

Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 15 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a squirrel.

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@EvilHeart20

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

@Parker_Simpson

Why do people say,”You can’t make this stuff up.” Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.

@solomongeorgio

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

@Marlebean

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

@AlexvanBeek

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

@Maxine12333

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

@truegritrumble

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

@ianpauldukes

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

@Thynebear

“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”