@mejustbeth

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

You Might Also Like

@awkwardphilippe

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

@ellewasamistake

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

@Jade_VK

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

@bush_piglet

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

@_salt_n_lime

I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.

@TheMichaelRock

The person who named Hors d’oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.

@tchrquotes

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

@TheAndrewNadeau

You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful

@Brampersandon_

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective