Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.


infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here


I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective


Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.


I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.


The person who named Hors d’oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.


Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount


You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful


My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back


i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective