Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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Expect the unexporcupine.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey