That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.
The person who named Hors d’oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective