Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

black phone good

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

WTF IS THAT!

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.