Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
You Might Also Like
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Liquor Store Parking
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?