Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.