@DurtMcHurtt

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

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@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@mas6228

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

@SaltyCorpse

I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…

my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.

@ComedicBust

I’m about to make this Taco Bell cashier wish she was paid on commission.

@icrushedmyhalo

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

@noog

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

@TawaNicolas

I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.