@DurtMcHurtt

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

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@ArfMeasures

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: Prove that you care about me

Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers

@Green_EyedMama

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

@chrislhayes

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

@1Happytwit

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.