Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
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I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Her: Prove that you care about me
Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.