THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Home is where your toilet is.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Peace was never an option
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!