Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
💯😂
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
#dnd #ttrpg
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.