Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”