Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
You Might Also Like
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
i wish we could shoplift online
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I put the mess in domestic.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.