@InternetHippo

[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese

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@WilliamRodgers

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

@Tmoney68

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@jackmackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

@_SingleBabyMama

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

@Ygrene

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

@TheWeirdWorld

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.