Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!
[my brain]: How do cows make cheese
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Girls: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don’t mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire