[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese

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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?


So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*


At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments


5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.


Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!



Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?


wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about


Girls: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don’t mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Guys: ok
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire
Guys: ok