The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!
[my brain]: How do cows make cheese
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.