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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.


Me: Can I have a quickie?

Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.


My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.


“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”

~me giving directions


I fall in love too easily.


It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily


To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!


lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*robber hides*
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*


Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on