Thoughts
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NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Tough love is true love
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.