I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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Me: Can I have a quickie?
Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.
My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.
Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?
“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”
~me giving directions
I fall in love too easily.
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My wife is on her exclamation mark.
To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on