Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.