Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My background check bounced.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.