Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Care for your back
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you