*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!


No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.


Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.


When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…


due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police


My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.


I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.


Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee