@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

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@ThisOneSayz

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@Heaterhotusus

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

@OctopusCaveman

When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

@TheBoydP

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@3sunzzz

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

@Voiceofgarth

I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.

@Shade510

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee