*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
saving face 👀
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates