*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
This trial is so absurd 😭
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date