in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
nice challenge
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear