[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross