I only eat vegetarians.
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Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures